Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and D… (2024)

I’ll be honest I read this book because of the respect I had for people who recommended it but it was met with an eye roll and a touch of cynicism. But let me tell you this, this book is one of the most bible centered, relevant, and convicting books I’ve ever read on singleness, dating and marriage. This book makes much of Jesus and isn’t just filled with cliche phrases or small attempts at practical applications which most have heard before. Each chapter spoke deeply and clearly into my life as a “not-yet married person”. Whether you are fearful of marriage, idolizing marriage or a little bit of both this book will expose your fears and idols and point you back to Jesus. This book challenged me in many ways and I’m thankful for Segal’s wisdom. Definitely a must read on this topic.

I'll be honest, I didn't expect a whole lot from this book, being that I'm a single not-yet-married guy who's read pretty much all the good Christian books on relationships, heard all the dating sermons, and have been told all the typical lines from well-meaning married friends (e.g. "It'll happen when you're not looking", "Sometimes I wish I was single like you", "Perhaps God is using this season to teach you contentment", etc.).

But something about the way Segal writes really encouraged my soul. Perhaps it was a well-balanced and honest effort to not portray singleness/not-yet-married as a curse, or as a gift (that many wish came with a return receipt), or as "junior varsity Christians", but as fallen sinners redeemed through Christ who are pursuing God's glory and fighting for joy just like married, except in different ways. Perhaps it was the fact that relationships are not about us, but about Christ, and that in the eternal scheme of things, none of us are truly married yet.

So while the overall content of the book might be familiar, I came away with a few things things to ponder about my perspective toward God and toward being not-yet-married. The most helpful chapter for me was on prayer (chapter 8), as it guided me me on how to pray specifically and honestly, but not selfishly, to the Lord during what is often a lonely and confusing season.

Five stars all around for this one.

This book fell into my hands at the right time. And I am thankful for it.

If you can read the ESV (English Standard Version) translation of the Bible along with it. That is what the author uses as his source for scripture.

No matter what stage of life you are in. Something helpful can be found in this book.

( I have not fished this book, so my review is limited to the first half which covers singleness).

Such a whiny book. The publisher should be ashamed of themselves for giving this the okay to print.

First of all the use of scripture questionable at best. Most of the verses referenced are about the suffering of the early Church who faced persecution. Getting married a few years later than your buddies is a far cry from pain of religious persecution. And to even make the comparison belittles the plight of actual martyrs of the faith.

To say that this book was poorly researched would be generous. Only one reference is made to an outside material. Which happens to be a reference to Segal's own blog. The world is full of research and statistics on dating, marriage and relationships. But the author doesn't bother to take advantage of any of it. Somehow he thinks his own knowledge and experience is all that matters. It is naïve to assume that the experiences of a straight, Caucasian male, in his earlier 30s, living in the USA will be a universal representation of singleness. The Christian Church is a diverse group spanning the globe. There are people of different genders, ages, orientations, ethnicities, cultures, etc. All of which affect how we deal with or enjoy singleness. A diverse data pool is necessary for a book of this nature and is unfortunately lacking.

Singleness in the Church is such a huge topic with lots of fascinating nuances, yet this book touches nearly none of it. Where is the chapter on the spiritual gift of singleness? ( What does that look like? How do you know you have it?) Where is the chapter on being unmarried when you are over 40? Where is the chapter on singleness for hom*osexual Christians? Where is the chapter on oaths of celibacy and celibate orders? Where is the chapter on divorce and widowhood? Where are the chapters on the impact of gender, race and culture? Where is the chapter on the Church's ostracization of singleness and emphasis on marriage? There is so much to talk about, yet Segal always seems to circuitously return complaints about life before marriage and never ventures into anything more dynamic.

This book utterly fails in its objective to pursue "joy in singleness". Which is a shame, because there is a lot of joy to be found in singleness. Singles have more free time. They have more friends and relationships than married people. Not having kids tends to give them more financial freedom. They are more globally mobile (again no kids) . All of which is a gift to God's kingdom and the singles themselves. Single Christians are a blessing and are blessed, but sadly this is much ignored both in this book and in Christian culture as a whole.

And lastly Segal is simply not a good writer. The book is poorly organized and repetitive. Each chapter is more or less the same as the next. And the author has an uninspired vocabulary. In one paragraph he uses words with the "marri- " prefix 9 times! (Marry, married, marriage, etc) There are other words: matrimony, union, wedlock, etc! It gets to the point that I am no longer upset with the writer but with the editor, who should have been guiding Segal on these matters.

The world of Christian literature is in great need of thoughtful book on Christian singleness; unfortunately this is not that book.

Ahoy

Thank you Jamie hill for sending me the PDF has been a while put finally knocked this one out.

First review so abit nervous but we move

Great book for any stage of life or season you are in single, dating or married. So many lessons to learn and how Christ is at the centre of all of it. I loved the first half on development and devotion to growing to be more like Christ and how that looks in a season of singles. Favourite chapter was on pray and the importance of trusting in the Lord with all things and for myself how easy it can be to forget and making that time with him all day everyday.

If you would like to read hit me up for PDF

Yours truely

Fraser

Having followed Marshall Segal's articles on singleness and dating for quite some time, I had a pretty good idea of how this book would unfold. I have been anticipating reading it since it was announced. Singleness and dating amongst Christians is one of the weaker and under addressed areas of Christianity, especially theologically, in my opinion. There are tons of books on dating and the such out there that provide application but not much that is theologically robust. Where Marshall excels is giving the "Not Yet Married" a big view of God and a big view of marriage. In light of this, he explains the importance of dating and why we should get it right. My favorite chapters were Chapter 10 (The Best Book on Dating) and Chapter 15 (The Third Wheel We All Need). In Chapter 10, Marshall shows us how the Bible, while never addressing dating specifically, has MUCH to say about how Christians should date. Chapter 15 is filled with wisdom on having accountability during the dating season. Not Yet Married is built on the foundation that dating is for pursuing clarity in whether a couple should marry, postponing intimacy for those who end up married. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is not yet married. I would also recommend married couples take up this book to help in giving wisdom and guidance to not yet marrieds they have influence over.

Let me just say, I’m the least qualified person to have an opinion on a book like this, so I’ll keep it short.

I was hesitant going into this, as the concept of Christian dating books with tips and tricks on dating ‘right’, doesn’t seem that appealing. Thankfully, this book wasn’t a list of rules and personal convictions from the author. It was overall a call for people - single or not - to pursue Christ first and foremost. I really appreciated its gospel-centeredness and wisdom.

“The Bible is clear that the behaviors and rhythms of the marriage covenant are a billboard for Christ’s forgiving, sacrificial, redeeming love for sinners.”

Kudos to Fraser and Roelien for this quality recommendation. I will do my best to hype it up.
I like that this wasn’t so much a book on singleness as it was of finding complete and total contentment in God.
Some pretty handy tips on how to date in a God honouring way too!!

Really encouraged by the fact that as christians we shouldn’t ever be truely lonely if we’re involved in church community and abiding in the Lord aaaand even then we have a high priest who is able to sympathise with us in those emotions.
I liked it.

“The cravings deep inside us are a mercy from God meant to lead us to God. God is trying to give us unconditional love, indescribable joy, and unparalleled purpose, but many of us are just trying to get married.”

if you’re keen to read i’ll chuck you a link

I give it a 3.5. At first I didn’t really enjoy much of what the book had to say but once I hit the middle (around part 2) I couldn’t put it down.

You can tell that Segal loves the Bible and grounding everything he said in the Bible. He was also very intentional to always remind the reader of the gospel at pretty much every turn in the book.

#1 takeaway: he dedicates an entire chapter (which he calls the most important chapter) to prayer. Pray for your own spiritual growth before marriage, the purity of your future spouse (among other things), and to trust the Lord no matter how easy or hard the road to marriage is

The title is cringy and easily misinterpreted, and made me thankful I was reading on Kindle... but other than that, a great read that sets the stage for a theology of singleness, and framework for God-centred, joy-filled singleness, dating, and marriage. It also includes help for those seeking accountability in relationships and would be a great read for anyone discipling anyone single or dating.

This is one of the best books on relationships/singleness since Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age. Very rarely do I hear people speak positively of singleness, so it can be discouraging at times. I really appreciate how the author brings the readers focus back to Christ and helps them realize the blessing of being single just as it is.
This book is theologically sound, practical, and conversational. Highly recommend!

"It will be a stunning thing for the world to see, someone trading the pleasure of marital love and sexual intimacy for a lifetime of loving God and laying down his or her life to bring others to Christ."

I’ve read a few more pages & decided not to pursue finishing this. I’m sure there is good content in here for some but I find it difficult to read as it is so heavily focused on being prepared to be married. The examples are all about how these characteristics and skills will help your future marriage. I feel this could just raise people’s hopes and set them in pursuit of growth which will be rewarded with marriage instead of growth as a Christian.

Also a bit uncomfortable with the fact it’s written by a guy not long married and who married in his 20s. It comes across as if he’s got it sorted and I would hate for an individual who has been single for some time to read this and feel the same. Whilst not as horrendously awful as I Kissed Dating Goodbye it has that kind of feel to it. Maybe I’ve been too affected by that book to see the good in this (of which I’m sure there is some) but this isn’t a book I can read and recommend right now.

I know people loved this book and found it helpful, I found it exceedingly irritating and patronising from the ridiculous title to the fact that the author waited all that time to get married, read mid to late twenties which is about average these days.
He actually says if you are older and not married this is not for you, and alludes to saying so stiff cheese to you then.
A book for young, and read very young people who are concerned they may not get married.
The use of scripture is shallow and the whole tone of the book is just not there.
I struggled through this as a request by a minister at church, they did not use my review however and went with someone who enjoyed the book. No surprise there.
For me from title to execution, from tone to thesis this was a terrible book.

Very helpful for literally anyone. Thoughts brought forward here are things that affect our everyday in more ways than we probably realise. Very challenging and convicting, I recommend people to Please read this.

Personally, I felt this book could have been split into two (as one section refers to singles and the other to those dating), but I can also see why they were put together. Overall, this book contained a lot of encouraging and biblical insights for pursuing a godly romantic relationship. It struck me as a little odd that the author was still newly married while writing this, but as the book focuses on the singleness and dating stages of a relationship - not marriage - it didn't really bother me. I was thankful to read this book, and glean some very helpful lessons from Segal's personal experiences and thoughts. I felt it painted a very strong, appropriate picture of singleness and dating from a Christian perspective.

When I saw this book hit the market, admittedly, the title produced a sigh, a muted eye-roll, and some fresh cynicism from me. On the surface, I had a problem with the assumption this title presumed; that everyone gets married. Though, what it pulled out of me was a much deeper conviction and disdain for the shallow, flimsy, feeble, and fleeting perspective of singleness and marriage that I have seen from the majority of my generation and peers. And frankly, I've been sick of the topic. Sick of young men and woman wasting their singleness and their God-given impact in the mission of God for lesser things. Sick of young people diving into marriage without a shred of understanding on its statement about God and his gospel.

Despite the eye-roll, a few things brought me to crack the spine. Firstly, several of the chapters were already produced as smaller articles on Desiring God; whose passion for glorifying God (and not wasting our time on earth) I have always respected. Secondly, not only are there young disciples in my life struggling with this issue, but I have failed previous disciples in my guiding of them through this subject. Lastly, I am in a context of other young people, and the reformer in me wants to rewrite the playing field that I see before me.

What I was met with was a cold bucket of water to my seething bitterness and pessimism, and a glimmer of hope for a Christ-centered culture for young men and women.

The author frames the book in two parts; "The not-Yet Married Life" and "When the Not-Yet Married Meet."

He spends the first half of the book grounding the reader in a foundation that all of our lives are meant to glorify God, and "every single person on the planet was made to say something about God" (27). That means that there's something greater at stake in our singleness, as well as in marriage. We're saying something profound about God and gospel in the lives that we live. He takes time to say how we cultivate and create that kind of God-glorifying life in our single years. My favorite call to the single person in this book was that they be dedicated to a body of believers;

"When everyone else your age refuses to be tied down and resists being accountable, submit yourself to a body of believers. Drive a stake into the ground and say to the whole world that you belong to Jesus, that your life is his, and that you're willing to have others hold you to that. Tell them Christianity is not a tiny corner of your life; it is your life" (71).

The second half is focused on what does dating and marriage look like. Once again, he begins with a bigger, more crucial, and more profound view of marriage; "What makes marriage worth having is that you, your spouse, and those around you see more of God and his love in Jesus" (108). This vision of marriage ought to drive every Christian dating relationship when it comes to conversations had, boundaries made, decisions made, etc. All of it is for a greater purpose. All the 'boundaries made' are not simply a 'stop here' sign but a call to 'fight for this'. It all comes down to the call from Philippians that we consider one another more significant that ourselves as we humbly serve one another.

"Your flesh will desperately want to be number one in your significant other's heart but you need someone who won't let you have that spot. You need a husband or a wife who could be married to you for fifty years and still go to the grave loving Jesus more than you" (143).

This is a vision of marriage (and singleness) that I can support. Not only did this book create a greater image of these things, it hit me in the face with some hard truths. While I have been pointing fingers at the lives around me, I failed to recognize that I am just another symptom and cause to the problem. I have my own 'heart disorders' that the word of God and the Spirit must incisively cut out of my life.

Overall, I recommend this book to all. For those interested in dating and marriage, and for those who aren't (and even to those already married). This will either aid you in seeing the scope of the gospel in your life, or it will aid you in training, guiding, and discipling others.

A great read for any single or not-yet-married person!

“We were formed and made on purpose, for a purpose. The most important thing we could accomplish here on earth, then, is to give ourselves completely to telling the world with our whole life that God is truer, greater, and more satisfying than our wildest imagination—than the most successful career, the biggest platform, or the happiest marriage.”

“Learn to love the life you have with God, even if it is the life you never wanted.”

Excelente recurso para jóvenes solteros e incluso para quienes tienen a cargo un grupo de jóvenes. El autor nos lleva de manera muy clara a centrarnos en el Evangelio y a atravesar la temporada de la soltería con gozo. Volvemos a colocar el gozo por Dios por encima del deseo de un esposo o esposa.

The second half made me consider some questions I had not before. Otherwise, nothing extraordinarily novel, although still well-intentioned and rooted in scripture.

Definitely in the top 3 books I have ever read. One of the most challenging, convicting, eye opening, life-giving, Gospel-centered books that I have read.

Simply put: wonderful! One of the best books I’ve ever read not just on dating/marriage, but on the Christian life.

This book is a breath of fresh air in a world where people unfortunately get their advice from Christian influencers podcasts, instagram reels, or Tik toks. There is real, biblical wisdom richly saturated in every chapter. Admittedly I’ve already encountered a lot of what Marshall says, but as with all truth, it’s good to be reminded and encouraged.

Marshall does a fantastic balancing act of encouraging us towards our identity in Christ while at the same time calling out all the bullsh*t that exists in this arena. He gets to the heart of the matter because he understands what’s at stake: our joy in Jesus, and Marshall pulls no punches when confronting the lies of the enemy or the missteps Christians get sucked into taking.

The main gist of the book is simple: Dating and marriage is not the end goal; Jesus is—and He offers ever increasing joy as we pursue Him. Christians date with the intention of marriage so that we find someone who is committed to pursuing Jesus with us in a lifelong covenant to demonstrate and declare the sacrificial love and glory of God.

From cover to cover, this book offers both biblical knowledge and practical advice for Christians to grow and mature in a world a various ideas and opinions. The wholistic approach is refreshing.

Anyone who reads this book will be comforted and challenged, and ultimately better off with a renewed outlook on Jesus, life, singleness, dating, and marriage! Be prepared to underline and highlight much of the pages in this book!

First dating book I’ve ever read and I was very pleased. I’ve always been hesitant of relationships books, but I really appreciated Segal’s faithfulness to make much of Jesus Christ in every relationship stage. Segal’s own life story is a testament to how this book is written and I think a lot of people can appreciate the perspective that he brings throughout the book.

really really good book. lots of biblical truth in this book & very practical advice for singleness, relationships & just life in general as a believer. definitely one of the best books i've read on relationships!

A very basic description of dating life for young people today. Would be good for college students who are trying to date. Most of the time he spends describing Christian theology and his own personal stories.

It’s clear that Segal himself was never content in singleness. He praises singleness early on, but then proceeds to write most of the book as if 98% of all single people are looking to marry. There’s even a section that seems to be geared toward pushing single people into marriage.

Overall, I wish more page time could have been spent on descriptions of what it’s like to actually date, and what it’s like to be content in singleness.

“But God made made you and me for far more than marriage, business, or whatever else we each might choose for ourselves.”

made me sift through my own idolization of marriage!

"And what's the story of the Bible?"
"Kill the dragon, get the girl!"

I think this is the only dating book I’d ever recommend to anyone. I’d even recommend it to those who are married. Very biblically centered, and written by a God-focused and humble guy.

Excellent. Completely gospel-centric.

This isn't your average book about singleness. This isn't your average book about dating.

Singles and those dating or engaged, read this book now.

"This is a book about God and his glory before it is a field guide for the not yet married. That will be its sticking power. Segal has done a great job of connecting gospel truth to how we think about ourselves and our love lives, which is desperately needed in a culture that wants to keep God sequestered to the sanctuary. It's weighty but accessible, taking on serious topics in a way that reads like a chat over coffee."
- Jimmy Needham

Segal's writing is helpful, humble, practical, multi-faceted and easy to read. The book's structure, covering how to make the best use of your singleness for God's glory before it even touches on practical dating advice, is a great touch for impatient people like me, whose minds are prone to be set on earthly things. The book's highly biblical grounding, with scripture references on almost every page, is an even better one.

Segal's unflinching honesty about his own story and particularly his own failures along the way makes him uniquely qualified to write this book, and I'm grateful that he did.

If it has one weakness: while entertaining and useful when reading, and my having read it will hopefully benefit me and those I interact with in the long term, for me at least, having finished it, there isn't one particular memorable takeaway for application.

Un buen libro que nos habla de forma franca, con un son moderado de romanticismo, que nos recuerda que la adoración es la meta del cristiano, Dios no creo a las personas para que se casarán, aunque sí creo el matrimonio para las personas.

El fin de la vida es adorar a Dios, depender de Dios, reflejar a Dios y ser conformado a la imagen de Dios, solteros, en un noviazgo o casados.

Las relaciones son un regalo y además, una herramienta del Señor para seguir obrando en nuestras vidas y darnos en servicio por la edificación de la iglesia, así que Segal nos alienta a que en ese proceso de noviazgo, antes que buscar la cercanía entre prospectos y la intimidad emocional, busquemos la claridad de que vamos en la dirección correcta.