How to Make the Very Best Nonalcoholic Piña Colada (2024)

I’m guilty of it. I’ve been on vacation and, seeing the brightly colored plastic cup with accompanying umbrella and pineapple slice, ordered a virgin piña colada knowing well that what I would get is something between canned juice and ice cream. And I enjoyed it too. Pineapple juice and cream of coconut ostensibly need no further improvement. Mix with crushed ice and serve. Like pop music or candy, this drink is perfect for what it is.

However, should you wish for the very Platonic ideal of a virgin piña colada, that’s something different. And, yes, I’ve found one. Yet, before we go there, let’s talk about the idea of calling nonalcoholic drinks virgin. I don’t like it. The word has all kinds of implications that we won’t go into, but one of them is that these drinks are somehow prudish or unfun. That, of course, is patently absurd when we’re talking about a frosty mix of coconut and pineapple—a beverage that’s pretty much the personification of fun. It is a simple, delicious drink that we slurp through a straw by a pool. If you’re not having fun in the radiant sunshine as it bounces off the water in the heat of a sugar rush, shame on you. You have forgotten childhood.

But we’re also not children. We want something more than just sugar and juice. We want balance and complexity from our beverages. To do so with a nonalcoholic piña colada, you either have to take full advantage of the burgeoning nonalcoholic spirits category with such notable rum replacements as Lyre’s Spiced Cane Spirit or Rum-ish or build the complexifying elements into the mix. Of course, you can also go the low-alcohol route and use sherry. Sherry coladas have a special magic, including some of the fruity, nutty elements of rum while keeping the alcohol proof low.

If you choose nonalcoholic “spirits” or sherry, then I send you on your way with these two simple pieces of advice. Stay around the same volume as rum: 1½ to 2 ounces. For sherry, use a dry amontillado or oloroso. But if you’re open to experimenting with other, non-spirit items in your nonalcoholic colada, then I suggest you consider the organoleptic characteristics of rum (the things we small and taste) and add the below-mentioned items to the mix.

Fresh juices

The secret to a more sophisticated piña colada has always rested upon this single caveat: Are you using fresh juice? Fresh pineapple juice lifts the sugars into your mouth and then wipes them from your tongue as you swallow, leaving you with a clean, zippy tang. The difference is appreciable and craft bartenders have been arguing this for years. Fresh pineapple also has thickening qualities, which add to the texture of the drink, that are sometimes excised in store-bought brands.

Cane syrup

Steen's Cane Syrup is a rich, dark syrup that adds a molasses-y depth to the drink, just like good rum would. Sure, some people choose a clear, neutral rum for their piña coladas, but there is so much more to gain from the funky stuff. It possesses a greater flavor resonance, by which I mean it seems to light up more sensory receptors than something clear and neutral. A piña colada is a pool drink, but it is also a party drink, and should not necessarily aspire to the neutrality of a wallflower. (We can settle by calling it a pool-party drink.)

Apple cider vinegar

Vinegar is the by-product of alcohol, undergoing a second fermentation when exposed to oxygen and acetic acid. The result is something tart and pungent, which mimics some of the piquant and bitter characteristics of alcohol. Use just a spoonful to add enough flavor and cut the richness without creating a throat-burner. I have had far too many shrubs––those vinegary preserved-fruit syrups––that are sadomasoch*stic by design with excessive acidity.

Alcohol-free vanilla extract

A good rum conveys many flavors, but the hints of vanilla from barrel-aging are one of my favorites. Vanilla can add to the perceptual sweetness of the drink without stacking on sugar. You may not wince at a small amount of alcohol (with three drops we are talking marginal at best), but there are good alcohol-free vanilla extracts available too.

Salt

A salt tincture might sound like something fussy, but it’s just a combination of four parts of water to one part salt. (Technically, doing this by weight is the most accurate, but since we’re just adding a few drops, feel free to measure by volume.) Shake or stir until the crystals have dissolved. It is far easier to use in a drink than a pinch of salt. (Apologies to Salt Bae, as it’s far less interpretive too.) In small doses salt suppresses the mechanism that signals bitterness to the brain and also can create a more viscous, rounder-feeling drink.

These four improvements can elevate your nonalcoholic piña colada to something both delicious and artful. Maybe it’ll transport you somewhere warm or have you intellectualizing this essentially fun-and-sun serve. However, the best part of it is that they’re easy to obtain, often household ingredients, making all of this possible in your home kitchen regardless of where you are.