Help! My Mother Stopped Caring About My Kid the Minute He Was No Longer a Baby. (2024)

Each week in the Tuesday column, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays.

Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Steph, Therapist in Therapy, Serenity, Lisa, I Feel for You, and Sae Sae for their ideas!

Dear Prudence,

My parents were completely fine but never very warm or close growing up, so I tempered my expectations for them as grandparents. But when my kids came along, my parents were initially very involved. They were moderately helpful for me postpartum, and really into our son. Visits started to fade after he hit 16 months. Recently, my mom tried to get him to play with a specific toy and he picked another, she said to me, “This is why I’m more of a baby person. They’re less fun when they get older.” She then asked me when I was going to have another baby “for her.” I brushed it off but she’s been repeating it and doesn’t pay much attention to our son when she does visit. My dad is even less involved. I can shut down the baby questions fine. But the idea that she doesn’t care about our kid now that he’s old enough to make choices himself hurts so much. I thought she was turning over a new leaf as a grandmother, but I think this is how she’s always been. My in-laws are awesome and I feel lucky to be in the family. It’s not like he won’t have grandparents without my parents’ attention. If I stop trying to keep them involved, they’ll probably fade out to holidays only and he’ll forget after a while. But this hurts me so much. What should I do?

—Grandma Only Likes Babies

Dear Only Likes Babies,

The thing that’s most painful about the story you tell in your letter is that after having accepted your parents’ limitations, you got your hopes up when your son was an infant, only to be disappointed again. I know that had to hurt—probably even more than it would have if they’d never engaged much with him at all.

I think that’s why I was drawn to the responses that didn’t just urge you to get over this disappointment, but to take a lesson from it and to see it as confirmation of how little your mother has to offer—hopefully confirmation that can help you mourn and move on.

Steph: Please give yourself the grace to know you can’t coax your mother into turning over a new leaf. I’d urge you to frame this brief attention to your infant as telling you what you needed to know to let go of the hope that she’d be a better grandmother or mother. As painful as it was for you to so clearly have her tell you her essence—that she’s no longer interested in those whose decisions, even at the level of a toy choice, are out of her control—now you know how to deal with her and know she’ll never meet even minimum rational expectations of a loving grandmother. She’s not a loving grandmother, or mother, and never will be. She’s made her own psyche so crystal clear, which of course is heartbreaking for you. I’m struck by the way you put it: “the idea that she doesn’t care about our kid now that he’s old enough to make choices himself hurts so much.” I think the only way to live with this is to know she’s shown you she’s incapable of loving your child (or anyone else, including you) the way he ought to be loved. She’s shown you she can only put on a show of attachment only in the fleeting stage (which you yourself can’t consciously remember in your life with her) where she gets to make all the decisions and control all the interactions—meaning she does not and will not care about other people, ever, but can mask that for the moments and months when they’re at her mercy. That’s an essential thing for you to know about your mother, at last, and you can act accordingly. You don’t have to expose yourself or your own beautiful family to allow her to ever manipulate you or cause you harm again. You can grieve the mother and grandmother she never was and is incapable of being, but fill your son’s days with loving friends of all ages who’ll show him the way children ought to be boundlessly loved, no psychic strings attached.

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Therapist In Therapy: Hi. I’m a therapist who has had lots of therapy myself. A therapist told me succinctly “Quit going to a mechanic for oranges” about my own relationship with my mom. Basically, it means your mom is who she is, and has always been, and you are looking for warmth and an emotional connection that she isn’t capable of. Your job is to accept the reality and set limits and boundaries to protect yourself. It obviously pains you to see how your mom treats your child. Personally, I would have a conversation with her telling her how I felt, but the reality is things probably won’t change, you would just be able to get it off your chest. Then set limits to limit your exposure to this dynamic (like you said, to holidays).

I know it sucks, especially when you see others with warm, loving grandparents.

I guess the good thing is at least they have the other set of grandparents who are loving and involved.

Serenity: Your Mom is extremely out of line here. You could always try and talk to her about it, but considering she’s been this bad since you were a kid and hasn’t even tried to be better for your child, the idea she is suddenly going to snap out of it and see the error of her ways is exceedingly unlikely. If I were you, I would just leave it. Stop inviting round your parents. If you want to maintain a relationship with them, you can visit them occasionally (without your child). If they want to see your child, they can bring it up. I wouldn’t be too worried about your kid missing out, considering your parents are well … terrible, and he has another set of grandparents who you say are awesome, so they’re probably lovely and care about your son (unlike your parents). It’s pretty normal for kids to be closer to one set of grandparents than the other so I doubt your son would ever even really question it. But if you do want to talk to your parents about this, I’d recommend trying not to come across too judgmental/aggressive (although I get that’s probably hard as they’re being idiots), and trying to stay calm. Eg. “I’ve noticed you’ve become more distant to [kid’s name] since he was a baby, do you want to talk about why?” If this conversation heeds no results…I wouldn’t be surprised, but best of luck.

I’ll definitely be borrowing that “Quit going to a mechanic for oranges” advice in future columns. It applies to so many different situations!

There were also some responses, including this one, that served as reminders that you’re not alone and offered a hopefully view of what a relationship with not-fully engaged grandparents can look like:

Lisa: This question hits home. As a result of marriages and remarriages, my kiddo (now a preteen) has more than your typical number of grandparents but in practice has only one active and involved grandparent who is interested in him and excitedly ready to engage with him about the stuff he likes—even if it makes absolutely no sense to the grandparent. It’s no surprise that this grandparent is the one my kid is most concerned about seeing his milestones and events. All that to say, your kiddo will also recognize where the deeper connection is and embrace it. Whatever level of involvement your parents vs. your in-laws have won’t be odd because it will be kiddo’s normal. It is harder for you. The best thing to do is be forthright and honest. This is the grandchild they have, whether or not others will follow. Yes, kiddo is growing up and you love that they are more independent, finding their own favorite things, making unique choices, etc. Your parents can choose to take that journey with you or they can choose to keep this seemingly control-driven preference for grandchildren they can direct and interact with on their terms, rather than as a real relationship.

We extended offers to visit, invitations to events, updates on our kid equally for a while and for what we felt represented a real, dedicated effort to build deeper and more involved relationships between grands and kids. As the kid as recognized the situation on his own, we’ve put our efforts into building and sustaining the relationship he has and values. He still loves his many grandparents, and recognizes them as part of his family, but the decision to stop trying to be fair and create the same relationship with everyone freed our nuclear family up to focus on what was best for the kid and for us.

Finally, I really liked the advice to think about where your interests intersect with those of your parents. To put it bluntly: What can you get out of this relationship for you and your son, without trying to force anyone to become a different person?

I Feel For You: So I don’t have the same problems, but my dad was very emotionally uninvolved as a parent and is somewhat better as a grandparent (although he was basically not a hands on grandparent during the baby years, he’s somewhat better in the school aged age range). He may stink in the emotionally available department, but he is good at social obligations. Dance recitals, sports games, fundraisers. I can always count on him to buy girl scout cookies. Do we see him that much? Not really, but he fulfills the relationship needs I need him to fulfill. Is it a low bar? Maybe. But freeing myself of any expectations has also freed myself of disappointment. And I’m completely ok with that. My kids haven’t seemed to notice that we see him far less than my mom and my in-laws.

I’m wondering if maybe, your mom (and to some extent your dad) need jobs related to toddlers? Like tasks to do. Babies are easy to help out with, bottles that need to be washed, laundry that needs to be done, diapers that need to changed. And babies are small, so it’s easy to hold them while you shower or whatever. Toddlers are like small wild animals and can intimidate people not their parents. Maybe she just likes babies more, there are those people out there. Ultimately, it’s your call whether to bump them out to holidays/birthdays/etc. If the more routine visits aren’t benefiting you emotionally or logistically, then feel free to stop them. But if you are getting something from them, keep them going. And the next time she asks about you having a baby for her, remind her that babies aren’t babies forever.

SaeSae: My two kids are teens now, and we’ve had a similar grandparent situation.

After years of trying to keep up with a grandparent relationship that matched what I thought was “good,” I gave up. So we’re on the holidays-only routine and it feels fine to me. I approach it with a “do what is necessary, frequently reassess,” attitude. I don’t blame them for their nature, and they always have an opportunity to show me a different side of them. Until then, I’m not going out of my way. On a practical note—and possibly very unpopular—you never know when grandparents will want to chip in for big expenses. Best to keep doors open, and you could be rewarded by a better relationship one day, help with a big expense, or both.

Maybe it’s converting the crib to a toddler bed or picking up dinner once a week. Maybe it’s serving as another body in the crowd at his preschool graduation Maybe it’s paying fees for a travel soccer league eight years from now. I do think there’s a way for your parents to be in your life and your son’s life. It just might not look like what you imagine, or what you know you really deserve.